I constantly preach self love, if you are sad tell someone, etc but lately I haven’t been taking my own advice. I have been really sad and felt at my lowest again. I didn’t tell anyone because I felt like a failure. I felt like people would say “really you still aren’t better?” Or “how long is this going to take?” I know the voices in my head are lying but at the same time a small part of me always thinks they are telling the truth. I have opened up to people only for them that to tell me I wasn’t trying hard enough to be happy, that “it really isn’t as bad as I make it out to be”. I have been told medication is just a crutch I use. I have been told that I don’t act like I feel “that” bad (which is frankly ironic because I take medication which makes me feel better..and even with medication I still have my good and bad days. ) I have been told that I don’t look like the type. I have been told I’m privileged and people have it worse. I have been told a lot of things, and not just by the voices in my head but from people who were once in my circle. People whom I trusted with my thoughts and my soul. People who were anything but sensitive to my feelings and my emotions. These people are not the people who deserve an inch or a millimeter of my soul. Don’t get me wrong; I do not regret sharing my heart only because I have learned how truly valuable it is. But what I have learned is that there are people who truly care. There are people who you can share your heart with, your soul with, and even if they don’t understand; they listen. They don’t try to tell you how you feel. They don’t make you feel small. They just want to help. They want you to feel better. These people are the people who deserve your soul and who love you deeply. Hold onto them. When you feel sad, tell them. Energy does not lie, if you feel safe with someone open up. And if you feel uneasy, listen to your gut, maybe keep it to yourself. Again, energy does not lie.
As this is my blog, I share very personal encounters about my life. Good and bad. I have believe my hesitation to write lately is onset because of my lack of honesty. I have been wanting to write about my feelings but I wasn’t ready. I have struggled with depression and anxiety my whole life. My close friends know little about my journey with depression and anxiety disorder. I don’t open up easy or like talking about the stuff that hurts. But If I don’t start the conversation about depression, then who will? I have been taking medication for my anxiety/depression since last summer. It’s not easy to talk about because it is hard, every day is different and some are easier than others. Medication & disorders have a lot of stigma around them so what better way for me to conquer my fear of everyone knowing about me taking medication, than to put it on the internet right?
I’ve been ashamed to admit I’m not as strong as I appear to be.
Every day I learn new things about how to cope and things that trigger me. Depression is not cookie cutter and it is not nice. It is messy and it wants to destroy everything in its path. Depression is serious and I pray that if you are reading this and you relate with me at all, please talk to someone. Even if you think it’s small or not even that bad, start the conversation.
I hope that me sharing a little into my soul has helped you in some way and that you know that there is at least one person in this world who also understands what you are going through.
With love LB